Top Chef: Portland, Episode 4: Raw deal

Welcome to Top Chef, Not Top Scallop, the world’s greatest Top Chef recap blog. This is a review of Top Chef: Portland, episode 3. My name is Randall Colburn and I am going to make fun of Richard Blais a lot. Read last week’s recap here, my latest LCK recap here, and subscribe to Top Chef, Not Top Scallop here.

There are worse ways to go home than for serving the judges raw food. You can go home in shame like San Francisco’s Ken or L.A.’s Otto, mired in scandal and hated by your fellow cheftestants. You can give up your immunity like Charleston’s Jamie. Still, serving the judges raw food is bad, and Kiki’s grave mistake continues the downward spiral that began with last week’s Pan-African challenge, from which she doesn’t seem to have mentally recovered. She biffed the Quickfire, too, serving a meh gratin undone by undercooked Swiss chard. The fufu that landed her on the bottom last week was as wrapped up in her identity as it was the competition, and that psychic toll hits harder when, like Kiki, you’re in a state of both life and career transition. “I tried to be in control of it and I couldn’t,” she says upon her exit, and it’s true, it seems. She seemed confident during both the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenge, but her mistakes were basic ones. In the end, she acknowledges them. I’m curious how she’ll do in LCK, as I imagine those wounds won’t be quick to heal. Still, the change in scenery tends to spur a sea change in many an eliminated chef. Sasha’s currently killing it. Kwame said her dish last week was the best thing he’s eaten thus far.

Speaking of judges like Kwame, let’s talk about Dale Talde, who oversaw this week’s Quickfire. I love Dale because I have watched Dale grow. I have watched Dale grow from angry Chicago cheftestant to the lunatic who tried to fight Michael Chiarello on Masters to humbled All-Star to well-adjusted Portland judge. Dale has a child now. Dale dresses in cardigans and colorful sneakers. Dale chews like this.

This is a Dale Talde appreciation post. It speaks to his talent that the producers kept bringing him back after he proved himself to be such a hothead in early seasons. But we love a good redemption story, don’t we, folks? I believe in Dale’s face turn.

I don’t, however, believe that Dale “always” keeps a can of Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup around the house.

Quickfire

Nothing funnier than Padma and Dale bringing out a huge portable pantry, asking the chefs what’s in said pantry, then revealing it to be a bunch of cans of Campbell’s soup.

How the producers wanted the chefs to react to the Campbell soup pantry:

How the chefs reacted to the Campbell’s soup pantry:

The challenge? Create a dish that “evokes a food memory,” but “elevate it” with some sludgy-ass Campbell’s soup. Lazy, that. I’m fine with corporate sponsorships — gotta keep the lights on — but give us more than the “make it personal” peg when all you’re saying is “build something around this 65-cent can of soup.”

Nobody’s food memories end up being all that compelling, but there’s still some good drama. Shota makes chawanmushi, a savory egg custard dish that helped Paul Qui win Texas, but it comes out a touch more liquidy than he’d have liked. “Did you mean for it to be this loose?” Padma asks. “Yeah, I like it pretty loose,” he deadpans, playing to the old Top Chef adage that you never tell the chefs what you meant to do.

He still ends up on the bottom, but not for lack of bullshitting.

Sara scores points with a smoked mushroom stroganoff she describes as “grandma chic.” Dale says it evokes “Thanksgiving with my mother.” This was probably sad for Byron, who called his dish “Every Day is Thanksgiving” and nobody even talked about it. Avishar, meanwhile, tells a story about how Campbell’s tomato soup was integral to the creation of chicken tikka masala. (Its origins are debated, but the one he recounts can be found here.)

But it’s Chris who comes out on top with his grilled cheese panzanella and tomato soup vinaigrette. It’s the kind of narrative Top Chef loves: A fine dining chef versed in fancy French techniques who wins with a clever riff on the humblest of dishes. See: Carrie and her fancy toasts.

He wins immunity and a (checks notes) “souped-up” cash prize of $10,000.

Congrats to Chris! Nice to see him emerging from the back half of the pack.

Question: Maybe it’s just in the cut I saw, but there was this weird, exclamatory gasp at the commercial break before the Quickfire judging that sounded like porn. Did any of you hear it? I rewound it like four times and couldn’t for the life of me make sense for why it was there.

Anyone?

Okay.

Elimination Challenge

In honor of the “Fruit Loop,” a scenic trail through the orchards and small towns of the Hood River Valley outside of Portland, the chefs must assemble a savory dish from hand-picked fruits from local farms. Melissa, dressed like a baby whose parents dolled her up as a farmer for Halloween, informs them that there’s a twist: No veggies. This is a fruit challenge, and you better highlight those fruits.

No, not the most exciting challenge, but certainly a pretty one. The dishes are made up primarily of apples, peaches, and plums, and ample pickling ensures that nearly all of the dishes would make for great tongue twisters. (Chris, for example, makes a seared scallop with peach butter, smoked plums, and pickled pink pearl apples.) After a spell spent picking pecks of pickled peppers, the chefs must then cook outside, where gusts of wind blow around Byron’s pasta like bedsheets on a clothesline. Avishar, proving he’s not nearly as good at gimmick dish names as Blais, promises a sushi rice risotto called Ohiotto.

Tom, however, saves his greatest “are you sure about that?” face for Kiki, whose plan to make chicken wings with a single fryer at her disposal produces this reaction.

She reacts to his reaction as you should: With a discontented sigh. She sticks to her guns, though, and, well, we know how that ends.

The losers:

Nelson’s seared scallop with apple béarnaise, apple shallot relish, and sautéed pears

Carrie: “I just get herbs on herbs on herbs, it’s just really flat.”

Gregory: “My poor little scallop doesn’t want anything to do with that sauce. It’s just drowning in so many garnishes that don’t go together.”

Gail: “All I got was rosemary.”

Padma: “It had such a chemically, medicinal aftertaste.”

Carrie: “I didn’t see your vision.”

Nelson: “I didn’t cook my food. I tried to go too classical French.”

The only reason Nelson didn’t go home was because Kiki literally served raw food. It was clear that Padma hated the dish, and that footage of him struggling in the orchard while reflecting on his Oakland home life seemed to be readying us for his exit. Cook Dominican food, dude!

Avishar’s OHIOTTO sushi rice risotto with apple, bacon, and cheddar

Padma: “The rice is too al dente and it’s mushy at the same time.”

Kwame: “I’m just confused by this.”

Tom: “This is a fruit challenge, where’s the fruit?”

Padma: “All you tasted was the bacon.”

Avishar: “I feel really fucking disappointed in myself.”

It didn’t seem like the judges were as disappointed with this dish as they were with Nelson’s, but Avishar may have made even more mistakes. Not only was the rice raw, Gail says, but the dish was built upon a faulty foundation. Don’t put bacon in a dish where the focus is not bacon. Also, WHY ARE YOU MAKING RISOTTO?

Kiki’s apple-glazed fried chicken with grilled and pickled peaches and creamy polenta

Carrie: “It was, unfortunately, a little undercooked.”

Tom: “Mine’s not undercooked, it’s raw.”

Blais: “The peach with the parsley is actually really, really great.”

Tom: “Every single chicken on the table was way undercooked.”

Just a bummer, man. Nobody wants to go out for undercooked chicken.

The winners:

Gabe’s smoked and glazed plums with pork and chicken

Amar (licking plate): “This is the best thing I’ve eaten so far.”

Melissa: “Gabe’s masterful when it comes to sauce-making.”

Gail: “The plum had so much integrity but was soft and so beautifully smoked.”

Blais: “Gabe’s dish is weird.”

Tom: “It was the perfect bridge between summer and fall.”

Chris’ seared scallop with peach butter, smoked and seared plums, and pickled pink pearl apples

Blais: “This is the same Chris?”

Kwame: “He knocked it out of the park. I think we’ve gotten little hints of Chris over the past couple weeks, but this, I think he showed up on the plate.”

Gregory: “It’s just a smart dish.”

Padma: “Those little smoked grapes were so packed with flavor.”

Tom: “Spectacular.”

Gabriel’s kumamoto oysters with apples, peaches and plums

Gail: “Gabriel’s oysters were very enchanting to me. They were beautifully presented, ice cold.”

Tom: “Nice dish!”

Melissa: “You did such a great job giving us something fresh and bright.”

Tom: “You pulled it off, and you pulled it off because of attention to detail.”

Gabe wins and he’s really starting to look like a frontrunner to me. He’s consistent, quiet, and laser-focused on his particular brand of Mexican cooking. He kiiiiinda comes across as a goon in interviews, but I think that’s just a consequence of his confidence. The guy’s a rock. He hasn’t given me a single GIF. Who trusts people like that? I prefer the Saras of the world, the stammerers and apologizers who live as if a safe will drop on them any second.

Also, I know Gabriel is a brat, but he’s proven himself a master of restraint. As he showed with his chicken in the premiere and with the oysters here, he knows how to make the most of a handful of ingredients. His oysters were gorgeous.

Scraps

• Please subscribe if you’re reading this and haven’t yet. It will make me smile!
• Loved everyone’s polite laughter when Padma said, “And I’m not talking about cereal!” about the Fruit Loop. You fucking dork.
• It would be funny if they had to make something with Fruit Loops.
• Since they discussed it, here’s a link to alaMar, Nelson’s Oakland restaurant.
• Giving you a break from Blais turd pics. You’ve earned it.
• Next week on Top Chef: Gabriel rubs people the wrong way. Also: